pyrostinger: They say the eye is the window to the soul (Default)
[personal profile] pyrostinger
No, the title does not contain a typo. 

Again, there's a bunch of stories out there.  And every so often I come across it and I spot such glaring errors that, with my newfound blog post, I must tear them apart for entertainment's sake.  Because damn, this stuff is bad.

Now, this particular story ran into my inbox on FA unsolicited.  So I didn't randomly stumble upon it, it was pushed upon me, in a way.  I read it anyway, but I didn't get far before what I read was utter dross.  The story opens with an apparent outbreak of people being turned into werehorses, and this outbreak it so severe it has been reported on the evening news.  AND YET, in the very next sentence, there's the general population dismissing it as a 'weird dream.'  This kinda took me right out of the story, though on sober reflection I can kinda see how it wouldn't be taken seriously.  But honestly, if this stuff happens on a MONTHLY BASIS, with the newsmedia covering it every month, presumably, wouldn't it get, like... some credence?  Maybe?  I mean... this kinda thing would be right into the wheel house of conspiracy theorists.  Not only that, but if they're presumably finding fresh material including equine orgies...  c'mon.

But whatever.  So then, the main character [Redacted], is hanging out in a park one day, waiting for somebody.  Another crazed dude runs into him, screaming about how he should get out of the way.  [Redacted] asks why, and the other dude says, in essence, "So I can get away from everybody else" and then starts changing.  Now... couple nitpicks: 1. "Whilst" is an odd word to use, and makes what is ostensibly a contemporary story sound Olde Tyme, and 2. "When suddenly..." is a terrible way to transition to another paragraph.  Seriously. 

Now, the story is porn.  So obviously, the first thing to start transforming is the other dude's dick.  Now, I don't know the mechanics of transformation, but I suppose you gotta start somewhere... I dunno.  And this [Redacted] character?  He's a wuss.  Seriously, when somebody starts transforming in front of you, wouldn't you either be A. Paralysed in fear or B. Running the fuck away?  [Redacted] does neither.  He's just unsure.  Actual line from the story: “A...are you sure about that?” [Redacted] said, sounding a little unsure about it. 

Nothing need be said about that.  So I'll do it anyway.

I mean... I hate, hate, HATE redundancy in a story.  I'm defining it here as telling me something, then telling me the same thing in a slightly different way very, very soon after.  Like in the same paragraph.  Or sentence.  And honestly... if [Redacted] is asking the other dude if he's sure about something, wouldn't it stand to reason that he's unsure about it himself?  So stop with the fucking redundancy. 

So what follows is a series of mangled noises, what I assume are supposed to be horse once since they threw a few 'neighs' in there or something, and what amounts to rape, theoretically.  And I say theoretical rape because [Redacted] doesn't show signs of resistance or anything but practically catatonic acceptance, and [Redacted] ends up enjoying it.

Of course.

Now, I'm not railing against gradually liking things.  For one, it's porn.  For two, it's possible, though it's some rapid Stockholm Syndrome or something.  But it's thin as hell, and that combined with such terrors as sound effects in dialogue broke things for me.  Example: “Oh yesssss...damn you’re *whicker* goooood!”  On the subject, you need not extend words so damn much.  It's lazy.  But damn if this entire story doesn't strike me as lazy.  

Now, you can call me a giant writing snob if you want.  Hell, I'll agree with you.  I am a snob.  I know what I like, and I know what I think is quality.  But really... if this is the kind of thing that is catching repeated comments saying how hot it was, then people need to be introduced to quality work, because this isn't good!  It isn't.  

Anyway, werehorse...thing blows a load in [Redacted]'s face after smothering him with his ass for a time, then [Redacted] changes into a werehorse too, during which the original werehorse mounts [Redacted].  Then the story ends with the two horses admiring each other's dicks before running off into the night to infect more people. 

Oh, and there's plenty more “MUHRAUHRAUH!”

October 2013

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